Becoming the person you were meant to be
Thoughts on exploring who you are.
We begin to find and become ourselves when we notice how we are already found; already truly, entirely, wildly, messily, marvelously who we were born to be. The only problem is that there is also so much other stuff; typically fixations with how people perceive us, how to get more of the things that we think will make us happy, and how to keep our weight down. So the real issue is how do we gently stop being who we aren’t? How do we relieve ourselves of the false fronts of people-pleasing and affectation, the obsessive need for power and security, the backpack of old pain, and the psychic Spanx that keeps us smaller and contained?
Here’s how I became myself: mess, failure, mistakes, disappointments, and extensive reading; limbo, indecision, setbacks, addiction, public embarrassment, and endless conversations with my best women friends. I lived through the loss of people without whom I could not live, through the loss of pets that left me reeling and through dizzying betrayals but much greater loyalty. Overall, I chose to live by William Blake’s motto: that we are here to learn to endure the beams of love.
Oh, yeah, and whenever I can, for as long as I can, I throw away the scales and the sugar.
I was talking to an old painter one day about how he came to paint his canvases. He said that he never knew beforehand what the completed picture would look like, but that he could usually see one quadrant. So, he’d make a stab at capturing what he saw on the canvas of his mind, and when it didn’t turned out even remotely like what he’d imagined, he’d paint it over with white. And, each time he figured out what the painting wasn’t, he was one step closer to finding out what it was.
You have to make mistakes to find out who you aren’t. You take the action, and the insight follows: You don’t think your way into becoming yourself.
I can’t tell you what your next action will be, but mine involved a full stop. I had to stop living unconsciously, as if I had all the time in the world. The love, the good, the wild, the peace and the creation that are you will reveal themselves. Yet it is much harder when they have to catch up to you in roadrunner mode. So, one day I did stop. I began consciously to break the rules I learned in childhood: I wasted more time, as a radical act. I stared off into space more, into the middle distance, like a cat. This is when I have my best ideas, my deepest insights. I wasted more paper, printing out instead of reading things on the computer screen. (Then I sent off more small checks to the Sierra Club.)
Every single day I try to figure out something I no longer agree to do. You get to change your mind — your parents may have accidentally forgotten to mention this to you. I cross one thing off the list of projects I mean to get done that day. I don’t know all that many things that are positively true, but I do know two things for sure: first of all, that no is a complete sentence.
And, secondly, you are probably going to have to deal with whatever fugitive anger still needs to be examined — it may not look like anger; it may look like compulsive dieting or bingeing or exercising or shopping. But, you must find a path and a person to help you deal with that anger. It will not be a Hallmark card. It is not the yellow brick road, with lovely trees on sides, constant sunshine, birdsong and friends. It is going to be unbelievably hard some days — like the rawness of birth, all that blood and those fluids and the shouting of horrible terrible things — but then there will be that wonderful child right in the middle. And that wonderful child is you, with your exact mind and bum and thighs and goofy greatness.
Dealing with your rage and grief will give you life. That is both the good news and the bad news: The solution is at hand. Wherever the great dilemma exists is where the great growth is, too. It would be very nice for nervous types like me if things were black-and-white, and you could tell where one thing ended and the next thing began, but as Einstein taught us, everything in the future and the past is right here now.
There’s always something ending and something beginning. Yet, in the very centre is the truth of your spiritual identity: you. Fabulous, hilarious, darling, screwed-up you. Beloved of God and of your truest deepest self, the self that is revealed when tears wash off the makeup and grime. The self that is revealed when dealing with your anger blows through all the calcification in your soul’s pipes. The self that is reflected in the love of your very best friends’ eyes. The self that is revealed in divine feminine energy, your own, Bette Midler’s, Hillary Clinton’s, Tina Fey’s, Michelle Obama’s, Mary Oliver’s. I mean, you can see that they are divine, right? Well, you are, too. I absolutely promise.
I hope you have gotten sufficiently tired of hitting the snooze button. I know that what you need to activate in yourself will appear. I pray that your awakening comes with ease and grace and stamina when the going gets tough. To love yourself as you are is a miracle, and to seek yourself is to have found yourself, for now. And now is all we have, and love is who we are.
By: Anne Harrington