My sanctuary is the beach and I’m very lucky to live a few minutes from some of the best beaches in Donegal. I know the benefits of getting out for a walk in the evening, and I know it will always make me feel better. But at the moment I’m finding it nearly impossible to motivate myself to get out there. I make every excuse. I tell myself I’ll do it tomorrow or that I’m too tired. I think of how long the beach is and try to calculate how many steps I need to take to reach the other side of it. I even try to convince myself that sitting in front of the TV will be just as beneficial in helping me switch off after a day at work. The truth is that I want to curl up on the sofa and watch mindless reality TV and not have to engage my brain. The last thing I feel like doing is going for a walk.
From past experience I know walking in nature makes me feel better. I began walking in nature a few years ago. I had just moved from Dublin back to the small rural village where I grew up in Donegal. I was struggling with my mental health and no matter what I tried I just couldn’t block the feeling of absolute despair that I felt in every cell of my body, each minute of every day.
I was heartbroken when I heard that Sinead O Connor had died. The outpouring of grief for her has been unparalleled and it left me questioning why we wait until it’s too late to show an appreciation for someone. Like many people, myself included, Sinead had experienced a life of great emotional pain and like many she felt her emotions deeply. We encourage people to talk about their emotions and what they are feeling. We tell them that mental health difficulties are nothing to be ashamed about. That they should tell someone if they are struggling and to not bottle up our thoughts. But in Sinead’s case for some reason this was not the case. She was deemed ‘crazy’, ‘controversial’ and ‘unstable’ because she spoke out about injustices and the deep pain she often felt. It made people uncomfortable and there was this attitude that maybe she should keep things to herself. Watching the way Sinead was treated for talking about her suicidal thoughts made me ashamed for having had them myself.
Image credit: Marie Duffy- Taken at a sunset in Lanzarote
Below is a short poem I wrote this evening while scribbling in my notebook. I don’t usually write poetry but this came to me while reading Rick Rubin’s book on creativity.
Untamed
The crashing of the waves against the rocks
Angry, wild, untamed,
Just like emotions,
Beyond control
Learning how to be in the world
How to live and feel comfortable in my own skin
With all my discomfort.
But even the sea can be tamed
A swimmer can navigate their way through the waves,
We hear it all the time, but do we actually believe it?
It’s ok not to be ok. This is something we hear repeated over and over, especially in recent times when mental health awareness is becoming more acceptable. It’s a reminder that we don’t always have to have it together, and that it’s perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed, anxious, or depressed at times. But while we may tell this to other people, it’s often hard to believe it ourselves. I know it is for me.
Why is that? Why is it easier to accept that others may be struggling, but not ourselves? There could be several reasons for this. We’ve been conditioned to believe that we have to be strong and have everything figured out. Some people may fear being judged or stigmatised if we admit to not feeling okay. Others simply don’t want to burden others with problems.
Whatever the reason may be, it’s important to recognise that it’s okay to not be okay, no matter who you are or your reasons why. It’s a basic human experience to go through ups and downs, and we all have moments where we feel lost, helpless, or overwhelmed. It doesn’t make us weak or flawed, it makes us human.
The next step is to actually believe it. This can be a challenge, especially if we’ve been telling ourselves the opposite for a long time. But it’s not impossible. It starts with small steps, like acknowledging your emotions and giving yourself permission to feel them. Instead of pushing them away or trying to distract yourself, try to sit with them and observe them. You don’t have to act on them or solve them, just let them be. But this feels so difficult when you’re struggling. I know it does for me. All this stuff sounds pretty good in theory but how the hell do we practice it?
A helpful strategy is to practice self-compassion. This means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend who is struggling. It involves recognising that it’s okay to make mistakes, that you’re doing the best you can, and that you deserve love and care just as much as anyone else. I try to put myself in the position of the person who means most to me. My 9 year old niece. Would I treat her the way I treat myself? Absolutely not. How would I feel if I knew she was talking to herself the way I talk to myself? The truth is that I would be absolutely devastated.
So even when I don’t feel like treating myself with compassion, I think of that 9 year old niece who I care about so much. I try to put myself in her shoes. To treat myself the way I want her to be treated because as I’m not ready to treat myself in such a deserved way, than maybe I can treat myself the way I want her to be treated.
It’s also important to remind myself that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Whether it’s talking to a counsellor, reaching out to a friend, or reaching out to an online support group, there are many resources available to help you navigate difficult times. It’s okay to ask for help, and it’s okay to accept it when it’s offered.
It’s important to keep reminding yourself that it’s ok not to be ok. This may feel like a mantra that you’re repeating without believing it at first, but with time and practice, it can become a natural part of your thinking. And when you start to truly believe it, you can pass your wisdom on to someone else.
It’s ok not to be ok. It’s a simple statement, but one that can be hard to internalise. But by practicing self-compassion, or by treating yourself with the compassion that you treat others with, and seeking help when needed, and reminding ourselves that we’re not alone in our struggles, we can start to believe it. And when we do, we can offer ourselves and others the kindness and understanding that we all deserve. Even if we’re only going through the motions for now. Eventually it will become easier and we won’t even realise we’re doing it.
Life is a kind of magic, even when it doesn’t feel like it. But you see, we wouldn’t appreciate the magic without the non-magical bits. So every day and every mood is important because without the shitty days, how would we know to appreciate the magic of the good ones? It’s all about perspective, and when you’re feeling shitty it’s hard to look at things with any type of perspective. But like learning any new skill we need to practice it. It takes time, and it’s bloody difficult, but anything worth learning takes time. I mean, you can’t learn the guitar overnight, and you wouldn’t expect to be fluent in Spanish after a week. Persevere. Practice your perspective. Keep going. Even on the non- magical days because you’ve got this. Especially on the days when you feel like you don’t!
It’s not easy to persevere when things are tough. But I want you to know that you are not the only person who feels that things feel too much. I know for me it helps even a little that I’m not alone on the dark days. It doesn’t take away the pain but it reminds me that it’s not just me. Sometimes, that is enough.
I love the Irish language and it’s always been a regret of mine that I was never fluent in Irish. Having lived in London until I was 9 meant that I was always playing catch up with Irish. Plus living near the Gaeltacht but not living in the gaeltacht meant that I wasn’t immersed in it in the way that I would have liked. I love the way we say ‘Ta bron orm’- which in english means ‘sadness is on me’. It’s such a beautiful way to say it. Sadness is on me. But it is not all of me.
It’s all very well understanding that this is the facts- yes light always comes after the darkness. But when you’re in the darkness it does NOT feel this way.
Even thinking about emotions in this way is empowering for me. Sadness might be on me but I am not sadness and it doesn’t have me. All emotions are temporary and that can be hard to remember when you’re feeling crappy and stuck in the darkness. But after darkness comes the light, that is guaranteed every single day. Remember that you’re not alone and you are stronger than you will ever know. But it is hard to remember this when you’re feeling awful. It’s all very well understanding that this is the facts- yes light always come after the darkness. But when you’re in the darkness it does NOT feel this way.
I’m learning how to trust that things will get better especially when I feel like they never will. It’s a process and a skill you have to practice. I’m not great at it, but any skill worth mastering takes time and I’m prepared to keep practicing it until I no longer need to.
Unwind Your Mind 